This isn’t an International Women’s Day special, because unlike the day itself, we believe in treating women as human beings all year round. We speak on behalf of all single women, especially those of Malaysian Indian descent when it comes to this topic.
To be honest, it wasn’t difficult to compile this list, simply because our society and every entitled man out there feels the need to check on the state of our marital affairs.
Bear in mind, our definition of a single woman is anyone who identifies as a woman and is not legally married to another person. This obviously includes divorcees, widows and those in committed relationships who don’t feel the need to step into marriage.
“When are you going to get married?”
Yes, we started with the most infuriating and obvious one. The moment a woman completes her studies all the way up to the time she hits menopause, society’s first question is always on when she will tie the knot. It is as if nothing else should matter to her, ever.
Why is the Malaysian Indian society so uncomfortable with a single woman enjoying her life and pursuing her dreams?
Why is the Malaysian Indian society so uncomfortable with a woman enjoying her life and pursuing her dreams? It is almost as if society cannot see a woman in her reproductive prime without a ring on her finger or thali around her neck.
“Don’t study too much, then you cant find a mappilai,”
Yet again, the life and decisions of a woman has to revolve around a man. In this case, a man she hasn’t even met!
This isn’t just annoying to single women, it is also incredibly insulting to men. In society’s point of view, men’s egos are so fragile that their bachelors degrees will start to wilt in the face of a woman who has her masters or PhD. Is this true, guys?
“Isn’t your biological clock ticking?”
Ah yes, this is society’s go to line if they encounter a woman who is joyously single. According to Malaysian Indian society, a woman expires the moment she turns 30. Simply because of 300-year-old data saying that it is more difficult to conceive after the third decade of life. This, of course, has been proven wrong in numerous journals (which we aren’t going to spoonfeed you, because why do you care, unless you are a woman in her thirties who wants to conceive?)
That aside, it is time for us to let you in on a secret when it comes to women. Be warned, traditionalists and entitled men, we recommend you sit down for this.
NOT ALL WOMEN WANT KIDS.
Yes, that’s a fact! Not every woman wants to force another being that’s been growing inside her through her vagina. Sure, some do change their mind with time, but the fact remains that children aren’t mandatory to many. Some of us would rather have uninterrupted sleep, disposable income and the ability to travel the world whenever we like.
“I know this boy, he’s my grandaunt’s sister in law’s daughter’s nephew. He’s a doctor,”
Trust our community to declare themselves problem fixers, often for problems that don’t even exist! The moment someone ‘well-meaning’ is met with a single woman, lo and behold, they morph seamlessly from Clark Kent into Super-Well-Meaning-Person and start listing down all the single men they know who fit the age, height and education profile of this single lady. Of course, how can a prospective man be younger, shorter or less educated than the woman in question? She should be the lesser of everything!
The moment someone ‘well-meaning’ is met with a single woman, lo and behold, they morph seamlessly from Clark Kent into Super-Well-Meaning-Person
“Have you tried AmmasTamilPaiyanMatrimony.com?”
The more tech savvy of the group above believe in online matrimonial sites that work by matching two people using the shallow filters of height, age and often, caste. What they forget is that most of these require a registration fee that is a small fortune. Sure, this is to ensure the people on the site are legitimate. But really, do we need to pay so much to look for a partner?
“How will you manage on your own?”
This is a classic case of society’s own insecurities being mirrored in the single woman, as this question often comes from a person who is or has been married.
Sadly, the people asking this question often forget that they are speaking to a fully functional adult. If this adult needs help with her daily activities, then she will know how to seek it out. In what universe does a husband become a solution to this? Shouldn’t you be able to live on your own before you are married?
“You need to compromise, men don’t like women who (insert absurdity here),”
This statement means one thing, “Please lower your standards,” How dare you, a woman who is STILL single, demand the kind of man you want? Let’s get one thing straight. SINGLE WOMEN ARE NOT DESPERATE. So please, stop telling us to compromise for something we really don’t want. And no, we aren’t going to lower our standards, if that means being single forever, so be it.
How dare you, a woman who is STILL single, demand the kind of man you want?
Widows and divorcees bear the brunt of this, with many telling them they cannot be picky, as they have been married before.
“But what about your children? They need a father,”
A favourite line for single women with kids, this is just society saying that a woman as a parent is not enough for her children. This is, of course, hogwash.
If you feel the unbeatable need to say these words to someone, then you should take a step back to think. “How can I assume that I know more about what her child needs than the mother herself?” “Does my experience of having two parents invalidate her efforts to be a single mother?” “She is an adult woman who knows what she needs, why am I telling her how to run her family?”
“I was married with two children and one on the way when I was your age,”
Just because you chose to marry earlier in life, that doesn’t give you the right to question everyone else’s experience. We are all on different timelines. Let’s not belittle someone else’s journey because they don’t worship the idea of marriage like you did, all those years ago.
Marriage and kids may be fulfilling to you, but successful career is what some people desire, or an early retirement. Success itself varies from person to person, how can you question someone else’s choices?
“A woman needs a companion,”
The only thing a woman needs are the basic human necessities of food, shelter and clothing. Does a woman need a companion? That, you’ll need to ask her, as this answer differs from one woman to another.
This statement becomes even more blood-boiling when it comes from a man, who thinks he is Padaiyappa and starts declaring how a woman should behave and what she needs.
“You’re so beautiful, I’m sure you’ll meet someone,”
Yes, beauty is the only measurement of worth in our sad, stale society. Nobody cares if you’re a good listener, or an excellent friend, or someone who is filled with postivity.
Only the beautiful deserve to meet someone. We don’t need to outline our society’s narrow definition of beauty, do we?
“But you guys have been dating for so long!”
For some reason, a couple that has been dating for more than a few years is assaulted with the assumption that they are headed for matrimonial bliss. More often than not, this isn’t what the couple even wants, but they succumb to the pressures of society.
Single ladies in relationships, the next time someone says this to you, here are a few options on how to respond.
Yes, we have, but we just don’t see the need for society and the law to validate our relationship.
Yes, we have, we love the way things are between us right now.
Yes, we have, but we don’t see the need to get married as neither one of us wants kids.
Yes, we have, but are you going to spare us RM 100,000 for a wedding and reception?
“Change yourself, and you may find the perfect man,”
This is probably the most ludicrous statement out there. Women are expected to change who they are just so they can meet a man who is deemed perfect, not by them, but by society.
There are many reasons one might want to change her habits or attributes, but doing it for a man is certainly the wrong one. Because if a man cannot accept you for who you are, then he is the farthest thing from perfect.
if a man cannot accept you for who you are, then he is the farthest thing from perfect.
This list could go on and on, the many single ladies reading this will attest to that. Ultimately, the problem lies in the people that feel so entitled over a woman’s life, that they dictate how she should live it. But why does society have a problem with a single woman living her life? Why does that worry so many?
The year is 2020, it makes no sense to assume that a woman absolutely needs a man by her side. Whether a single woman wants to get married, have sex with other women, or live alone forever is none of anyone’s business, except hers.
The next time you feel like saying any one of these statements, we highly recommend you zip your mouth or risk sounding like an idiotic entitled buffoon.
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