Writing this article is medicine for me and I can only hope my words help you heal from the pain you are experiencing. Having your loved one leave you, arguably one of the most agonising experiences, knowing that they are alive but not in your life. No matter how many times you attempt to discount the pain, it almost always leaves you with a more aching pain. No one really tells you how to grieve this kind of a loss; the one where the person lives half an hour away but they will never be in your life AGAIN.
This article is dedicated to those of you who had someone you really loved and cared for; but they left with no explanations; leaving you on this crazy journey of unanswered explanations to seek closure.
Spoiler alert: You do not need closure because you in your current state is the best closure you will ever get.
“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~Marianne Williamson
I do not use quotes to “fill” up my articles. So do know that the one above is crucial for you to not only be wowed by it; but to take it into your life in small ways.
As a person who is a certified bewildered day dreamer, living in the past was like a day job. It consumes your time and energy. Even funny videos like kids cussing didn’t make me laugh.I knew I was in the deep ends of my ocean of wounds. Learning how to live in the present was a difficult habit to instil but it is truly invaluable. You get back your life; the one your tiny you always dreamt off. If not for me, for little Tiviya.
It’s frustrating because I understand the importance of letting go and moving on. I am aware that attachment is the source of our suffering. I’m aware that our past hurt, anger, and resentment are holding us back. I understand how holding on to the unwanted prevents the desired from entering.
It is critical to let go. However, putting theory into practice is not always easy. I have gathered some of my experiences, practices and words that have 100% helped to heal this grieve and anguish.
Why Is It So Difficult to Let Go?
First and foremost, everything is made up of energy. Our thoughts and feelings emit a vibration, and we receive back what we send out into the world. That is, whatever we focus our attention on—wanted or unwanted—grows.
You will have more happiness, joy, and satisfaction if you concentrate on them. You will experience more pain, regret, and guilt if you focus on them. Consider this: have you ever tried to get rid of stress only to find yourself getting more stressed, even when you knew you shouldn’t? Or have you told yourself to stop worrying only to discover that there are more things to worry about?
The same applies for letting go. Unless you can truly let it go—that is, withdraw your attention from it completely—you are more likely to focus on the unwanted and thus attract more of it into your life.
Accept the thought instead of denying it
We spend so much time in the same loop of denial. Each second spent there is so painful because we do know the source of it and it meant so much to us at one point, so much so the body cannot seem to forget. I am here to gently remind you that, the more we deny, the stronger the body holds on to it.
If you simply allow yourself to accept that, play this in your mind next time,
‘ Yes, I am thinking of this person, even though they really hurt me. It’s okay because I did have many good memories and it is easy for us to remember the good things as it is our last attempt to hold on to whatever that is left. I wish them the best and hope they find what they are looking for!’ And gently come back to your reality. Say this whenever they come up in your mind and watch how you learn to let go slowly. The thing with life is that you can’t reject or push against what you don’t want. You cannot concentrate on a problem and expect to find a solution. Because the solution is never where the problem is. So, you need to shift focus.
You shift focus by first accepting what is. If you want to let go of shame, start by first accepting that you’re feeling shameful. Don’t argue with your thoughts and feelings. Don’t resist them. Don’t try to push them away. Instead, give them permission to exist.
By allowing yourself this, you end befriending the part of you that shamed you for thinking it is ‘bad” to hold on. Healing can never be rushed.
Next, you let in instead of “letting go”
This happens when you have fully accepted everything, as is. Fear can easily arise when letting go. When you leave something behind and have no idea what to replace it with, you make room for the unknown. Change is always frightening, especially when you don’t know what’s going to happen next. That is why you may find yourself clinging to the unwelcome because it is familiar and known to you.
To avoid this, make a conscious decision about what will happen next. Allow in rather than letting go. Instead of pushing away the unwanted, invite the desired. For me, I battled with shame so much before learning to fully accept perfectionism is an illusion and it was a coping mechanism designed to manage my childhood traumas. I was able to see clearly after I finally stopped fighting shame. That’s when I could invite curiosity to come along with me. Curiosity did the opposite of shame; it helped me see the benefits, not the drawbacks, of exploring the unknown and taking the road less travelled.
Invite peace and confidence if you want to let go of anxiety and self-doubt. Invite a new loving relationship if you want to let go of a previous one. Invite an active and energetic version of yourself if you want to let go of the lazy and dull version of yourself. This can be accomplished in stages. For example, suppose you want to move on from an ex-lover. Perhaps your focus isn’t on attracting a new partner in the traditional sense, but on inviting a happier, healthier, and more loving version of yourself. Then, when you are ready, you can invite the relationship you desire into your life.
It’s exhausting to replay mistakes in your head over and over. Clinging to things from the past is exhausting. It’s infuriating when you try your hardest but are unable to progress. That not only taints your future, but it also steals the joy from the present moment. Instead of trying harder to let go, accept yourself completely. Accept it wholeheartedly. Accept all of your worries, shame, and guilt. Confirm all of your negative thoughts and feelings so that you can be free of them. Simply put, give up the fight.
I wrote this article backwards because I know that we will find the light if we allow ourselves to feel our feelings and not dismiss them. I know that it is difficult at this moment because we have so many questions and our belief is that one can only find these answers if we speak to them again. However, if you follow the methods above, you will know all the answers are in you because this is your life. No one can ever give you answers and if they do; you will just end up living another person’s life.
Once we surpass the need to question our current state of reality and accept that person will no longer be in our life, only then we would be able to reap the fruit of our spiritual + mental labour of getting over them. This might take a while but you will get there.
Be bold and allow yourself what you need; uniquely unique to you. Soon enough, you will step out of your cocoon and turn into an enticing mariposa, only because you allowed yourself to!